Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Diet Struggles-- a mind game

So, obviously the past few weeks I've not been blogging. The main reason for this is that I've been completely ignoring dieting. I've chosen to actively ignore the need on many different levels to watch what I put into my mouth and instead wallow in self-pity and the "unfairness of it all". Because I'm human and I'm weary. I'm flat out weary of not having a "normal" body (I'll pause here while we all laugh at how I think everyone who is skinny doesn't struggle with food on any sort of level and that their bodies don't rebel in some way some how and that everyone who is skinny is automatically happy and has their life completely pulled together). I'm weary of telling myself no.

The truth is that is just sucks and it's hard to completely change habits. It takes willpower and effort and generally being un-lazy. I'm so not good with being un-lazy.

So for the past 3 weeks, I have half-heartedly gotten up and gone to the gym maybe 2 days a week. I go on my "easy" days- Thursday when I work out on my own and can therefore do 15 minutes on the elliptical and 10 crunches and say "well, that's better than nothing" and go home to a bagel and coffee and Friday when I go to yoga in the middle of the morning without my kids and while it's a pretty good workout, it's more about having 'me time' built in away from the "stress" of being at home. I know I'm using a copious amount of quotation marks here which are mostly technically grammatically incorrect, but I want you to know that these  phrases I'm using I don't 100% believe myself.

I also quit tracking my calories and told myself I can "keep up with it in my head" (I can't) and "eh, I'm pretty sure I'm close" (I wasn't). So I gained 3 pounds in about 2 weeks. I'm back at having lost less than 30 pounds and that REALLY BUGS ME.

Today, I was getting back on the wagon. I had a horrendous day yesterday (If you every looked at my food journal yesterday, you'll see that I never recorded dinner when I had 350 calories left in the day-- yeah. that was on purpose).  Today already kind of stinks. I made a poor choice for snack (coffee cake made by a friend. Sooo good.. but you know, not.) My goal over the next few weeks is to record everything. Even if I'm over my 1200 calories for the day. ESPECIALLY when I'm over my 1200 calories for today. I need to acknowledge these failures. I need to pray. I need to do a lot of things besides tooling around the internet thinking about which iPhone case I should get.

There's my confession. I'm here to work on myself. I will not be motivated to say no 100% of the time-- I will not lose the next 50 lbs overnight (though, at times I really do think and say to God "You know how hard I"m working-- can't you just make this happen more easily??? I know you can!" but more on that whole struggle another day).

We'll talk again tomorrow.


Megan said...

I don't know if I count as skinny or not, having gone up 3 sizes since we've known each other, but I certainly, definitely, often struggle with food, and definitely don't have it all together, as you well know!! Hang in there. You encourage me with your honesty and your however-imperfect diligence, which I know is exhausting (and I can't even imagine how exhausting for 1200 calories), and I appreciate that you take me seriously too, and that we can be in this together, even if in different ways.

And you can use quotations marks that way to denote sarcasm. It's perfectly valid. If you can't give yourself a break for diet and nutrition, give yourself a break for punctuation. You know me and breaks. We have to learn.

Megan said...

Oh yeah, and remember a day recently when I didn't log? A Sunday? That was because I had Snickers bars for breakfast. Yep.